Refunds for false Jews

I converted to Judaism in 1988. My reasons for doing so are private and have nothing to do with anyone, but is choosing to join a religion that outlasted the roman empire and 5000 years of abuse not reason enough? The bottom line is that as a young man I chose to become Jewish and joined a tribe of people that I admire and aspire to understand better. Ten years later I moved to Israel and became an Israeli citizen. In Jewish circles this used to be considered a very positive move as it shows support for the base of Judaism, Israel. The only place in the world where being Jewish is not an exception.

Did I convert to orthodox Judaism, conservative Judaism or reform Judaism? Aha .. now the cracks are beginning to show. Many Christians may not understand where this is leading as the very essence of Christianity is not to pass judgement on your fellow worshipers. In Israel however, the chief rabbinate has a problem with people converting to Judaism. They claim that most conversion process's are not challenging enough and that too many people are becoming Jews and are not taking it seriously enough. I quite understand their complaint - I am a prime example.

I spent only a year doing my conversion to Judaism. I financially supported the Synagogue and attended Synagogue every Sabbath as well as on the high holy days. I have no aspirations to become a Rabbi or be any more religious than I am. Essentially, I am no more Jewish, than I was Christian. In orthodox Jewish terms, I am not trying to be more Jewish than I am, so I am not Jewish enough.

I have lived in Israel for the past 12 years, learned the language, paid my taxes and adjusted to suit a whole new lifestyle. I don't go to Synagogue like the majority a Israeli's. I don't wear a yarmulke, like the majority of Israelis. I don't observe the Sabbath, like the majority of Israeli's.

I do however believe there is only one God. I don't have any idols at home, unless you include the TV or PC. I respect my parents, I do not sleep around, steal, kill or lie.

But the chief Rabbinate says I am not Jewish enough so here is my proposal:

- refund the 1 year of expenses I incurred during my conversion

- supply me and my family with return tickets home to South Africa

- finance my moving all my belongings home

- refund the 12 years of taxes that I've paid to the Israel tax authorities

- refund the 12 years of taxes that I've paid to Israeli national insurance

- release my 15 year old son from any military obligations to the state of Israel

- notify all anti-semitic groups that I've changed my mind

If all these conditions are met, I will gladly pack my things and return to being a Christian in a Christian country where nobody hates me.

Until then, I choose to continue being as Jewish as I feel comfortable with.

Health system that has lost its soul!

If you happen to be a free thinking individual who enjoys freedom of choice and not being told what to do by the state, you may enjoy this little, real life story about a guy I know.

He was diagnosed as bi-polar about ten years ago. His sever mood swings had begun affected his marriage so he saw a bunch of doctors who 'tried out' a range of tablets on him to see which one would have the least side affects. These types of drugs take about a week or two before they show any affects ... so essentially he could not tell what was affecting him .. the drugs .. a good day ... coffee ... a happy event .. who knew!

He knew that something was not right when he stopped having moods at all. He was emotionally flat-lining, but the doctors were pleased. Success .. they had made him emotionally balanced and no longer a problem to the state. Friends and family slowly became friendly strangers who he vaguely recognized through the state sponsored, drug-induced haze.

Then one day he forgot to take his meds .. or should I say he didn't remember to care anymore .. and in a moment of clarity, he had an epiphany ... maybe he was over dosing and needed to consult another doctor? It's a tricky situation trying to ascertain if a patient feels better when the patient feels nothing at all.

Understandably this is not a process he wanted to endure too many times. After the third 'try out' with yet another generic drug .. desperation drove him to seek out a solution. He was a capable 40 year old, who could fix just about anything .. why not his own body chemistry? After doing a lot of research on the internet, he discovered that there were many natural cures to his bi-polar condition, but they cost a fortune and required homeopaths as well as a range of expensive tests .. and guess what, they were not covered by his national health plan.

The cheapest and easily most available ingredient needed for his first trial therapy was marijuana. Yes - mary jane, doob, ganja, weed, zorl, grass .. or as they call it in educated circles - cannabis. He already smoked cigarettes, so smoking joints seemed like an easy method of 'delivery'.

I'm not sure what qualifies weed as medical cannabis. What does it offer that regular pot does not? Anyway he got hold of some illegal weed and began his treatments. To begin with, it was just great not being depressed. After a short time, he learned to judge how much he needed to smoke to maintain his mood 'balance'. In general it was about one joint - smoked at intervals throughout the day. Someday's he did not smoke at all. There were no side affects and the results were immediate. He quickly learned how to responsibly 'self medicate'. Doing the monthly shopping totally stoned was not a good idea, it took too long and was not good for his monthly budget.

After a few years of successful treatment, he got tired of the stress and cost of finding weed through disreputable channels and dealing with people he did not want in his house. He discovered that just as the name says .. weed grows like a weed! In no time at all he had weed growing in his tomato patch. His medicine was now totally free. What state institution do you know of that can offer free medical therapy? I have as yet to find one!

So the story goes on. He is not a moron and realized that the weed he was growing was against the law, but he was not forcing it down children's throats or selling it by the container load to Sweden (who so desperately need it). It was for personal use only and kept a secret from the neighbors.

You can imagine how surprised he was to find the police at his house one day. They had come to confiscate his medicine. And to add insult to injury, they put him in hand-cuffs and locked him up for 5 days while they investigated his 'drug operation'. Not what any of his doctors recommended as proactive treatment for the depression or bi-polar disorder.

The naive assumptions he had made about the system being understanding were quickly dispelled. His having to shit on a toilet in front of fellow inmates was an alarming experience that quickly focused his thoughts and clearly outlined how little the system cared about the individual. When you do no abide by the law, you quickly become irrelevant.

We are disappointed that the drug industry has a tighter control over our government than we do. It is all about money after all. Drug companies make billions every year and their patients are too medicated to notice. Health problems continue to increase, but the drug companies keep making more and more drugs to treat all the mounting side effects.

Cannabis offers a cost effective solution to many illness's, but it cannot be patented by the drug companies so they will ensure it stays illegal. The drug industry has become unsustainable by putting a price to health that we can no longer afford. In the process, the system has lost its soul and we have relinquished the responsibility to look after ourselves.

Helpful stranger in Jerusalem Central Bus Station

Anyone who has visited Israel in recent years knows that it is a very busy place. It's not because Israel is such a small country, it's just that donkey trails and camel tracks have become roads and 6 lane highways. Small farms and kibbutz's have been overrun by sprawling cities. For a sixty year old country, we sure have a lot of roads, but very few alternative forms of transport which brings me to my story.

In November of this year (2009), I made my way by bus from Kfar Saba to Jerusalem. I don't normally catch buses, but long trips are more relaxing by bus .. or so I thought. The young female driver of the inter-city bus which I boarded to Jerusalem seemed to have had a bad night. Apart from honking her horn at everyone and bullying other vehicles by following them too closely, she seemed intent on keeping everyone else on the bus awake by braking as hard as she could fairly often. Being that we live in the land of miracles, I was not surprised to arrive in Jerusalem 40 minutes later totally unharmed. I did think of complaining, but when I noticed that no-one else seemed bothered, I put my reaction down to my being a sensitivity Anglo and left it.

After finishing my meetings in Jerusalem, I nervously made my way back to the central bus station. I've been told there is an information desk in the station somewhere, but I think they forgot to sign post it .. just like they forgot to sign post the toilets, departures, arrivals, and any other locations that tourists may seek.

People move through the bus station like ants on a mission. If you are too shy to ask people for help, I suggest you avoid the place at all costs.

After several requests for help I managed to arrive at the departure point for my bus to Kfar Saba, clearly marked Haifa! Unless you are a local and know the geography of Israel, you will never understand how buses are marked or which bus to take. Just like all the Tsomets (junctions) that everyone knows so well by name .. I have as yet to see a clearly named and sign posted tsomet.

While waiting for my bus to Haifa, I noticed a quiet, elderly woman waiting in the queue with an over-sized bag, obviously a foreigner and like me, a first timer at the central bus station. When the bus arrived, I noticed her struggling in the queue with her luggage. After offering to put her bag into the luggage bay under the bus .. I realized she was English. I think we were both relieved knowing we were not 'alone'. I asked the bus driver to please tell us when we arrived at the Ben Gurion Airport bus stop and we found our seats.

We began chatting and sharing 'war stories' and the time flew. Her name was Carol. I luckily noticed that we had passed the entrance to the Israel Aircraft Industries, which I know is at the airport. I jumped up and asked the driver where the airport stop was … only to be told we had passed it and he would drop Carol off at the next stop .. and no, she could not use the same ticket to get back there!

I exited the bus to help my new friend with her bag from the luggage bay and quickly explained what she needed to do to get back to the airport, before jumping back on the bus as he tried to escape without me. I felt this enormous feeling of failure and betrayal that I had disrupted the travel plans of a kind and gentle soul. Maybe Carol would have done better on her own and made it to her bus stop without being abandoned in the middle of nowhere by a helpful moron. Yes, the bus driver should have announced every stop and reminded her where to get off .. but thats what people used to do in the old days. Nowadays, apparently all you get from a bus service is the ride. There are no frills or helpful hints to get you through.

I still feel really dreadful and ashamed about the whole event. I feel especially sorry for the next first time tourists who decide to take that romantic bus ride to Jerusalem.

And I will always wonder what happened to Carol, a kind and adventurous lady who we abandoned. Welcome to Israel … hope you know where you going.

To panic or not to panic, that is the question.

Last week I was calmly watching all the 'bad' news on TV. I watched a brief item on France 24 about Iran firing a missile. The reporter did not seem concerned in the least that no-one had located the destination or final resting place for this innocent little missile. So why should I be afraid?

Seconds later I hear the emergency siren wailing. It's not the regular long tone we hear on rememberance day ... this siren is going up and down constantly and is basically demanding that I do something. Anything. So I stand up .. and keep eating my cornflakes!

You see, like most people in the world, I don't have a bomb shelter in my house (my landlord does not think we need one) so where do I run to? I call my kid on the phone and ask him if he's ok .. and he's fine. In fact he's bored out of his mind, participating in an air raid drill at the school .. he is safe and not being forced to learn anything either.

So here I stand, in my lounge, eating my cornflakes, and there is no missile heading towards my house. Do I feel relief? No .. I'm Israeli enough now to get mad. Mad that no-one told me about it. What if I had grabbed a bread knife and killed the friendly Arab maid next door in an attempt to 'take as many of them with me'? Would the courts be understanding?

If I had been the only one staggering about in their pyjamas wondering if its better to hide from an ICBM under the IKEA couch or kitchen table ... I would understand. But there were others in equally compromising situations.

I also found out that my not being fluent in Hebrew was not a factor as other Hebrew people had similar experiences. I was just not at the right place at the right time to hear the notice that went out.

Well here's my notice to the civil defence authorities! Next time there's a missile attack, you will find me on the veranda with my cornflakes, binoculars and video camera. I may die, but that video will get a million hits on You-Tube.

Oh .. did I forget to mention that I live in Israel. Where we do notice if a distant neighbour threatens to wipe us out and randomly fires missiles into the wide blue yonder! We take him so seriously that we build bomb shelters into every single home, office and shopping center .. and we've been doing it ever since independance. Lets just hope we won't be needing them anymore.

Shalom

Why be a 'friend' of Israel?

Just came across a comment on a linked-in group called 'Friends ofIsrael' in which someone wants to know why the groups exists. They were under the impression that the group is a waste of time and that even most Israeli's are anti-Israel.

Strangely enough I understand exactly what they mean, but its nothing to panic about! It's what you get when you have freedom of expression. Something we take very much for granted in Israel. You can say whatever you like about Israel, even bordering on sedition, and no-one bats an eyelid. We have Jewish and non-Jewish politicians who are opposed to the state - yet they live in relative safety with all the first worlf luxuries Israel has to offer. We have journalists who write about how evil Israel is from their 5 star hotel rooms in Jerusalem. I do not think people should be allowed to 'bite the hand that feeds them', but I prefer to know what everyone is really thinking.

The group 'Friends of Israel' and many others are merely a form of support for an amazing little country that thrives against all odds. We have rush hour traffic during wars, fanatical groups who denounce us yet use our national health plans, and neighbours who need work more than they want us dead.

Our kids grow up free, we can openly criticize whoever we want, we can go wherever we want, our women are liberated and most of us pay tax!

As long as we got all that - why can't we have a few friends?

Lets move all the Jews!?

It has been suggested that having Jews live in the Middle East is an astoundingly bad idea. Since we came here, there has been only strife and we obviously are the cause of it all. We should have stayed away and let the sleeping desert lie. There is no oil here ... there is no gold ... what were those Zionists thinking? Were they challenged by the idea of building a country in one of the most inhospitable places on earth? Ancient historical claims aside, was there no better plot of land to set up shop? Did those poor souls escaping from Europe deserve to leave one war zone, only to arrive in another?

So what are we to do? Shall we move? If we could arrange a good deal with our local neighbours for every resident of Israel to get a million dollars - would we move? How would you get any of them to stay, is the real question? Ideally, we could all go buy some small country somewhere quiet (without Arab neigbours) and transform somewhere else into the R&D capital of the world. We could buy some small African game farm next to the Sahara, turn it into farms and grow watermelons and sunflowers. We must ensure the garrinim supply at all costs or I'm not going.

Imagine if Israeli's were not suppressed by the emotional and economic costs of wars and trying to survive .. what they could have achieved. Every tank that they had to build - could have funded another school. Every F16 they had to buy ... could have turned another 1000 square kilometers of desert green. Israel would have been exporting wood and feeding our starving neighbours luscious tropical home-grown fruit. Dream on!

There is an important lesson in this strange tale. What if you were offered a million bucks? Would you go? Would you give up on this piece of desert and not look back? I think not. Although this country was built by a different breed of Jew, toughened by a cruel world, it still holds an unmeasurable value. We Jews place value on education. We place value on learning from history. No-one wanted us when we needed it most and we shall never forget that. At a chaotic time in history when everyone was recovering from a war - we took the initiative and made this piece of land our home. We have not been lazy. In 60 years we've transformed it into a thriving hub of ingenious complexity with an annual 100 billion dollar economy - a model to every other nation on the planet. It's ours. We're staying. Get used to it.

The secret to being a happy anglo in Israel

OK - so you move to Israel and the adjustment begins. For almost every anglo I have met, Israel is a shock on multiple levels. Being a fellow Jew does not help when someone is shouting at you over the counter because you cannot remember the Hebrew word for grated cheese. But remember, he is not shouting 'at' you .. he is shouting 'with' you. Is it his fault that you have not learned to shout and express yourself like everyone else? This is a frightening experience for all new arrivals, but its part of the experience that eventually moulds us all into proper Israelis.
Once in Israel you need to suppress your anglo instinct to apologize to everyone. No one expects it. That sort of behaviour is just an indication of your inability to adjust to your surroundings.

The secret to being a happy anglo in Israel can be found in having two well defined and seperate personalities. You need to train yourself to become selectively schizophrenic. You are already a well mannered anglo and can handle yourself in most anglo cultural scenarios like smiling when you greet people, queuing quietly to get on a bus, driving like you care etc. etc. Lets call this your anglo personality (AP). All you need now, is to develop an Israeli personality (IP) to deal with everyday life in your new home.

An IP is a simply a behavioural shield for dealing with the new surroundings. Using your AP in a hostile environment can be very damaging. Your AP can even be permanently affected if exposed to excessive emotional abuse and confusion. It is for this reason that we each need to develop our own IP's.

The key to developing your IP is mimicry. You must observe everything that goes on around you. How do the locals behave? Did he say thank you? Did he smile? Will the attendant help you when you walk into the shop? How do others get attention while you seem to be invisible? All these everyday events need to be noticed and noted. As soon as you have watched things for long enough, it is time to being utilizing your IP. Hebrew will help with clarifying things, but don't worry, almost everyone in Israel speaks English and if they don't ... well, its time they learnt.

So now you are ready to begin. Whenever you feel threatened, out of touch or simply do not understand, adopt your IP. The easiest way to do this, is to behave like everyone else. If they are shouting, you shout. If they push, you push. If they ignore you, you ignore them. With practice you IP will develop its own character. Your IP is a self-made shield for your AP and with time your AP will learn to express itself through your IP. In the beginning, you need to learn to make the switch. The ability to switch between AP and IP is crucial to maintaining a healthy balanced Israeli lifestyle. For beginners, the IP can feel very foreign and out of control, but persevere and your AP will thank you. A strange relationship between your AP and your IP is just a fact of life. You will just have to get used to the fact that your IP does not seem to care about your AP, and that your AP instinctively persists in apologizing to your IP. Don't worry, its perfectly normal.

Remember that you are in control. You can switch off your IP at any time and be AP. Erratic behaviour is fairly normal in Israel so your personality change will probably not be noticed. If anyone confronts you, you can simply reactivate your IP until it is safe to revert to your AP.

After a while it gets easier. Make a mental note not too spend too much time in your IP or your AP will begin to lose strength. Your IP will become an essential everyday tool for dealing with your new surroundings but it will take time to refine. This is more about the journey than the destination. Do not adopt your IP when in the company of fellow AP's as you are likely to scare them and lose friends.

Now that the secret of the IP is out, I hope to see a lot more people working on their IP's so that their AP's don't get faded and warped. There is nothing worse that seeing a person who has lost control of their IP. Many an AP has been ruined by undisciplined IP's.

As you bravely venture out to begin experimenting with your own IP, remember the proud words of our ancestors during the years of the British Empire - 'Once an AP, always an AP'.

Mini golf in a war zone?

Life in Israel is full of ups and downs just like anywhere else on our planet. The ups may be the same, but the downs are really scary! Conflict is unfortunately a regular feature around here, but I watch it on the news very much like the rest of the world. There can be missiles coming and going in Gaza and I can be stuck in rush hour traffic 80 kilometers away. My boss would not accept that as a good enough reason to miss work - if it was, I imagine Israelis would be home a lot more! We listen to the news all the time, but we do it work.

My dream is to open a mini golf park in Israel. Can you imagine anything more peaceful than playing mini golf? How many wars have been caused by mini golf rivalries? How many people get clubbed to death every year with a putter? Its just a simple family venue where anyone can come to putt a ball around a pretty course. It's a simple little business right? Not in Israel.

Last month I was talking to investors and getting the ball rolling, so to speak. Just another entrepeneur trying to get his dream afloat. This month the situation has changed so dramatically, that most people (outside of Israel) who hear about what I am trying to do .. think I am totally mad! He's trying to open a mini golf park in Israel? Mini golf in a war zone? He's looking for investors? He must be mad.

Unless you have actually lived in Israel - it is very difficult to explain how things work here, but lets have a try. Israel has been exposed to bombs and attacks for years and has naturally developed systems to deal with each of them. When there is a suicide bombing, there is a rapid response to rescue lives, then the investigators gather evidence, then the clean-up crew collect every speck of human remains they can find (no fire hoses used here), then the construction crews move in. A shop destroyed in a suicide bomb, can be reopened and operating within a month. That may seem cold and ruthless, but from experience it seems the best way to deal with it.

So back to my little dream of a mini golf park. The missiles will stop eventually. They always do. And then I will build my mini golf park and the families will come and play. They will forget about the last war and not think about the next one, because all their energy will be focused on getting a silly little ball into a silly little hole.


Many think I may have lost the plot altogether? There is a war on at present in Gaza .. yet I am sitting here in Israel dreaming about mini golf. I am dreaming of a time when families in Gaza and Israel can come and putt a little ball into an insignificant little hole play in the peaceful